keep your / hand on the rail / if / all / else fails

<< Friday, Jan. 30, 2009 - 9:43 pm >>
sadly

dear diary,

it looks like i only visit you when i'm bored, or depressed. as per usual i am depressed and slightly bored (and mildly animated) this time, i've run out of thoughts and i'm sick of finding excuses for life.

you know, things could've been better if i wasn't built this way. if my head was a little less thick and my heart less thin, than maybe i won't be sitting here after all.

once i thought i'd found happiness in a person or a song or a bird in the sky. i've lost the poetry to feel that way now. i've lost the balance in motion. i've missed various moments of clarity and my childhood feels like the dirt in someone's attic. someone old and ugly and sad.

i don't know what to do next. there's too much feeling and i hate it. i wish i was not alone right now. i wish i was courageous enough to die. isn't that the ultimate deadline? since when have i really cared for anyone else but fulfilling my duties (prescribed by me). i used to be so reckless and stupid now i don't even have a face.

tender earth, mother of none
found your words in the sidewalk
where the paper cranes were salty from the chase
and envelopes for private letters
where i forgot to salute the sky